Monday, July 11, 2016

In The Two Minutes It Takes to Read This...

You Too Will Be Able To Identify Any Rock, Anywhere On The Face Of This Earth!

We are packing up to move from a hellhole of heat, monsoon mosquitos, dangerous critters and returning to the relative safety of California.


I've moved my rock polishing equipment here to an oppressively hot and bug ridden shed but still managed to professionally polish a "boat" load of profitable gems and minerals.

It occurs to me as I sit here at our dining room table sorting out these recently polished rocks and putting them into baggies and sorting them according to the various rock types, THAT ANYONE COULD DO THIS. IT'S SO SIMPLE!

1. First of all there's Leaverite, one the oldest of stones. I mean it goes back to the beginnings of mankind when a young slope-headed cro-magon child asked his father while walking along a beach/mountain/desert, "Hey, father, would this stone make a good arrowhead?"
"Hell no, that's Leaverite!"
"Leaverite?"
"Yes, you dumb cave boy, as in "leave her right there"!

2. As time went on and humans developed a more discerning nature about rocks worthless as weapons or for profit and polishing this type of rock also came to known as "crapperite" and "shitterite".

3. Then mankind further evolved and discovered a rock sometimes referred to as "Politerite" as when a genetically worthwhile close relatives hands you a rock and asks, "Is this a good one?" That's the stone that gets tossed right back into the surf (or dirt) when your wife or grandchild is not looking.

4. Another valued stone is Butterite. Nothing is more useful than this stone, known for its flat and smooth surface, an essential find when you've forgotten to bring toilet paper.

5. Of equal value is Stealerite. It's found in the back lot of rock shops in seedy places like El Paso or Ciudad de Juarez--which are never open and, hence, obvious fronts for the drug trade. Use an old person's mechanical grabber to steal rocks from the other side of chain link fences. But be on the alert for individuals with firearms when collecting this particular mineral!

6. Of greater value is Scamerite. This could be a mineral soft as chalk like calcite which polishes to a beautiful sheen in less than 5 minutes--and instantly explodes into dust when dropped from any height greater than two inches. Or it could be another mineral "coastal moonstone" which is actually a common agate afforded unrealistic value simply because it can be collected at a rich beach area in the vicinity of Cambria, California. You can scam people into paying enormous sums for this rock. Just be sure to market it as such. The FBI has recently shown an interest in people who sell this mineral as a real moonstone on EBAY, real moonstone being an actual gem and not native to an area where agate, crapperite, and shitterite are commonly found.

7. The mineral of greatest value is "Holyshitterite!" It's a priceless gem found only on those occasions when a wife or grandchild presents a rare rock like petrified wood or an actual arrowhead in an area where such finds, and joys, are clearly not expected.

So there you have it. The next time you sort rocks, remember you only need seven baggies!

(Unless you're traveling in a jeep with a guy named Bob. Then there's Bailerite, where a passenger jumps out onto a dirt road, promising to be back in two minutes. The jeep idles, grows hot, and twenty minutes later this guy, named John, returns with an angelic smile and several pounds of apparently useless rocks)

In that case, you need gunny sacks, not baggies and way more than seven. 

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