In The Two Minutes It Takes to Read This...

You Too Will Be Able To Identify Any Rock, Anywhere On The Face Of This Earth!

We are packing up to move from a hellhole of heat, monsoon mosquitos, dangerous critters and returning to the relative safety of California.

I've moved my rock polishing equipment here to an oppressively hot and bug ridden shed but still managed to professionally polish a "boat" load of profitable gems and minerals.

It occurs to me as I sit here at our dining room table sorting out these recently polished rocks and putting them into baggies and sorting them according to the various rock types, THAT ANYONE COULD DO THIS. IT'S SO SIMPLE!

1. First of all there's Leaverite, one the oldest of stones. I mean it goes back to the beginnings of mankind when a young slope-headed cro-magon child asked his father while walking along a beach/mountain/desert, "Hey, father, would this stone make a good arrowhead?"
"Hell no, that's Leaverite!"
"Leaverite?"
"Yes, you dumb cave boy, as in "leave her right there"!

2. As time went on and humans developed a more discerning nature about rocks worthless as weapons or for profit and polishing this type of rock also came to known as "crapperite" and "shitterite".

3. Then mankind further evolved and discovered a rock sometimes referred to as "Politerite" as when a genetically worthwhile close relatives hands you a rock and asks, "Is this a good one?" That's the stone that gets tossed right back into the surf (or dirt) when your wife or grandchild is not looking.

4. Another valued stone is Butterite. Nothing is more useful than this stone, known for its flat and smooth surface, an essential find when you've forgotten to bring toilet paper.

5. Of equal value is Stealerite. It's found in the back lot of rock shops in seedy places like El Paso or Ciudad de Juarez--which are never open and, hence, obvious fronts for the drug trade. Use an old person's mechanical grabber to steal rocks from the other side of chain link fences. But be on the alert for individuals with firearms when collecting this particular mineral!

6. Of greater value is Scamerite. This could be a mineral soft as chalk like calcite which polishes to a beautiful sheen in less than 5 minutes--and instantly explodes into dust when dropped from any height greater than two inches. Or it could be another mineral "coastal moonstone" which is actually a common agate afforded unrealistic value simply because it can be collected at a rich beach area in the vicinity of Cambria, California. You can scam people into paying enormous sums for this rock. Just be sure to market it as such. The FBI has recently shown an interest in people who sell this mineral as a real moonstone on EBAY, real moonstone being an actual gem and not native to an area where agate, crapperite, and shitterite are commonly found.

7. The mineral of greatest value is "Holyshitterite!" It's a priceless gem found only on those occasions when a wife or grandchild presents a rare rock like petrified wood or an actual arrowhead in an area where such finds, and joys, are clearly not expected.

So there you have it. The next time you sort rocks, remember you only need seven baggies!

(Unless you're traveling in a jeep with a guy named Bob. Then there's Bailerite, where a passenger jumps out onto a dirt road, promising to be back in two minutes. The jeep idles, grows hot, and twenty minutes later this guy, named John, returns with an angelic smile and several pounds of apparently useless rocks)

In that case, you need gunny sacks, not baggies and way more than seven. 

In The Two Minutes It Takes to Read This...

You Too Will Be Able To Identify Any Rock, Anywhere On The Face Of This Earth!

We are packing up to move from a hellhole of heat, monsoon mosquitos, dangerous critters and returning to the relative safety of California.

I've moved my rock polishing equipment here to an oppressively hot and bug ridden shed but still managed to professionally polish a "boat" load of profitable gems and minerals.

It occurs to me as I sit here at our dining room table sorting out these recently polished rocks and putting them into baggies and sorting them according to the various rock types, THAT ANYONE COULD DO THIS. IT'S SO SIMPLE!

1. First of all there's Leaverite, one the oldest of stones. I mean it goes back to the beginnings of mankind when a young slope-headed cro-magon child asked his father while walking along a beach/mountain/desert, "Hey, father, would this stone make a good arrowhead?"
"Hell no, that's Leaverite!"
"Leaverite?"
"Yes, you dumb cave boy, as in "leave her right there"!

2. As time went on and humans developed a more discerning nature about rocks worthless as weapons or for profit and polishing this type of rock also came to known as "crapperite" and "shitterite".

3. Then mankind further evolved and discovered a rock sometimes referred to as "Politerite" as when a genetically worthwhile close relatives hands you a rock and asks, "Is this a good one?" That's the stone that gets tossed right back into the surf (or dirt) when your wife or grandchild is not looking.

4. Another valued stone is Butterite. Nothing is more useful than this stone, known for its flat and smooth surface, an essential find when you've forgotten to bring toilet paper.

5. Of equal value is Stealerite. It's found in the back lot of rock shops in seedy places like El Paso or Ciudad de Juarez--which are never open and, hence, obvious fronts for the drug trade. Use an old person's mechanical grabber to steal rocks from the other side of chain link fences. But be on the alert for individuals with firearms when collecting this particular mineral!

6. Of greater value is Scamerite. This could be a mineral soft as chalk like calcite which polishes to a beautiful sheen in less than 5 minutes--and instantly explodes into dust when dropped from any height greater than two inches. Or it could be another mineral "coastal moonstone" which is actually a common agate afforded unrealistic value simply because it can be collected at a rich beach area in the vicinity of Cambria, California. You can scam people into paying enormous sums for this rock. Just be sure to market it as such. The FBI has recently shown an interest in people who sell this mineral as a real moonstone on EBAY, real moonstone being an actual gem and not native to an area where agate, crapperite, and shitterite are commonly found.

7. The mineral of greatest value is "Holyshitterite!" It's a priceless gem found only on those occasions when a wife or grandchild presents a rare rock like petrified wood or an actual arrowhead in and area where such finds, and joys, are clearly not expected.

So there you have it. The next time you sort rocks, remember you only need seven baggies!

In The Two Minutes It Takes to Read This...

You Too Will Be Able To Identify Any Rock, Anywhere On The Face Of This Earth!

We are packing up to move from a hellhole of heat, monsoon mosquitos, dangerous critters and returning to the relative safety of California.

I've moved my rock polishing equipment here to an oppressively hot and bug ridden shed but still managed to professionally polish a "boat" load of profitable gems and minerals.

It occurs to me as I sit here at our dining room table sorting out these recently polished rocks and putting them into baggies and sorting them according to the various rock types, THAT ANYONE COULD DO THIS. IT'S SO SIMPLE!

1. First of all there's Leaverite, one the oldest of stones. I mean it goes back to the beginnings of mankind when a young slope-headed cro-magon child asked his father while walking along a beach/mountain/desert, "Hey, father, would this stone make a good arrowhead?"
"Hell no, that's Leaverite!"
"Leaverite?"
"Yes, you dumb cave boy, as in "leave her right there"!

2. As time went on and humans developed a more discerning nature about rocks worthless as weapons or for profit and polishing this type of rock also came to known as "crapperite" and "shitterite".

3. Then mankind further evolved and discovered a rock sometimes referred to as "Politerite" as when a genetically worthwhile close relatives hands you a rock and asks, "Is this a good one?" That's the stone that gets tossed right back into the surf (or dirt) when your wife or grandchild is not looking.

4. Another valued stone is Butterite. Nothing is more useful than this stone, known for its flat and smooth surface, an essential find when you've forgotten to bring toilet paper.

5. Of equal value is Stealerite. It's found in the back lot of rock shops in seedy places like El Paso or Ciudad de Juarez--which are never open and, hence, obvious fronts for the drug trade. Use an old person's mechanical grabber to steal rocks from the other side of chain link fences. But be on the alert for individuals with firearms when collecting this particular mineral!

6. Of greater value is Scamerite. This could be a mineral soft as chalk like calcite which polishes to a beautiful sheen in less than 5 minutes--and instantly explodes into dust when dropped from any height greater than two inches. Or it could be another mineral "coastal moonstone" which is actually a common agate afforded unrealistic value simply because it can be collected at a rich beach area in the vicinity of Cambria, California. You can scam people into paying enormous sums for this rock. Just be sure to market it as such. The FBI has recently shown an interest in people who sell this as a real moonstone on EBAY, real moonstone being an actual gem and not native to an area where agate, crapperite, and shitterite are commonly found.

7. The mineral of greatest value is "Holyshitterite!" It's a priceless gem found only on those occasions when a wife or grandchild presents a rare rock like petrified wood or an actual arrowhead in and area where such finds, and joys, are clearly not expected.

So there you have it. The next time you sort rocks, remember you only need seven baggies!

In The Two Minutes It Takes to Read This...

You Too Will Be Able To Identify Any Rock, Anywhere On The Face Of This Earth!

We are packing up to move from a hellhole of heat, monsoon mosquitos, dangerous critters and returning to the relative safety of California.

I've moved my rock polishing equipment here to an oppressively hot and bug ridden shed but still managed to professionally polish a "boat" load of profitable gems and minerals.

It occurs to me as I sit here at our dining room table sorting out these recently polished rocks and putting them into baggies and sorting them according to the various rock types, THAT ANYONE COULD DO THIS. IT'S SO SIMPLE!

1. First of all there's Leaverite, one the oldest of stones. I mean it goes back to the beginnings of mankind when a young slope-headed cro-magon child asked his father while walking along a beach/mountain/desert, "Hey, father, would this stone make a good arrowhead?"
"Hell no, that's Leaverite!"
"Leaverite?"
"Yes, you dumb cave boy, as in "leave her right there"!

2. As time went on and humans developed a more discerning nature about rocks worthless as weapons or for profit and polishing this type of rock also came to known as "crapperite" and "shitterite".

3. Then mankind further evolved and discovered a rock sometimes referred to as "Politerite" as when a genetically worthwhile close relatives hands you a rock and asks, "Is this a good one?" That's the stone that gets tossed right back into the surf (or dirt) when your wife or grandchild is not looking.

4. Another valued stone is Butterite. Nothing is more useful than this stone, known for its flat and smooth surface, an essential find when you've forgotten to bring toilet paper.

5. Of equal value is Stealerite. It's found in the back lot of rock shops in seedy places like El Paso or Ciudad de Juarez--which are never open and, hence, obvious fronts for the drug trade. Use an old person's mechanical grabber to steal rocks from the other side of chain link fences. But be on the alert for individuals with firearms when collecting this particular mineral!

6. Of greater value is Scamerite. This could be a mineral soft as chalk like calcite which polishes to a beautiful sheen in less than 5 minutes--and instantly explodes into dust when dropped from any height greater than two inches. Or it could be another mineral "coastal moonstone" which is actually a common agate afforded unrealistic value simply because it can be collected in a rich beach area in the vicinity of Cambria, California. You can scam people into paying enormous sums for this rock. Just be sure to market it as such. The FBI has recently shown an interest in people who sell this as a real moonstone on EBAY, real moonstone being an actual gem and not native to an area where agate, crapperite, and shitterite are commonly found.

7. The mineral of greatest value is "Holyshitterite!" It's a priceless gem found only on those occasions when a wife or grandchild presents a rare rock like petrified wood or an actual arrowhead in and area where such finds, and joys, are clearly not expected.

So there you have it. The next time you sort rocks, remember you only need seven baggies!

In The Two Minutes It Takes to Read This...

You Too Will Be Able To Identify Any Rock, Anywhere On The Face Of This Earth!

We are packing up to move from a hellhole of heat, monsoon mosquitos, dangerous critters and returning to the relative safety of California.

I've moved my rock polishing equipment here to an oppressively hot and bug ridden shed but still managed to professionally polish a "boat" load of profitable gems and minerals.

It occurs to me as I sit here at our dining room table sorting out these recently polished rocks and putting them into baggies and sorting them according to the various rock types, THAT ANYONE COULD DO THIS. IT'S SO SIMPLE!

1. First of all there's Leaverite, one the oldest of stones. I mean it goes back to the beginnings of mankind when a young slope-headed cro-magon child asked his father while walking along a beach/mountain/desert, "Hey, father, would this stone make a good arrowhead?"
"Hell no, that's Leaverite!"
"Leaverite?"
"Yes, you dumb cave boy, as in "leave her right there"!

2. As time went on and humans developed a more discerning nature about rocks worthless as weapons or for profit and polishing this type of rock also came to known as "crapperite" and "shitterite".

3. Then mankind further evolved and discovered a rock sometimes referred to as "Politerite" as when a genetically worthwhile close relatives hands you a rock and asks, "Is this a good one?" That's the stone that gets tossed right back into the surf (or dirt) when your wife or grandchild is not looking.

4. Another valued stone is Butterite. Nothing is more useful than this stone, known for its flat and smooth surface, an essential find when you've forgotten to bring toilet paper.

5. Of equal value is Stealerite. It's found in the back lot of rock shops in seedy places like El Paso or Ciudad de Juarez--which are never open and, hence, obvious fronts for the drug trade. Use an old person's mechanical grabber to steal rocks from the other side of chain link fences. But be on the alert for individuals with firearms when collecting this particular mineral!

6. Of greater value is Scamerite. This could be a mineral soft as chalk like calcite which polishes to a beautiful sheen in less than 5 minutes--and instantly explodes into dust when dropped from any height greater than two inches. Or it could be another mineral "coastal moonstone" which is actually a common agate afforded unrealistic value simply because it can be collected in a rich beach area in the vicinity of Cambria, California. You can scam people into paying enormous sums for this rock. Just be sure to market it as such. The FBI has recently shown an interest in people who sell this as a real moonstone on EBAY, real moonstone being an actual gem and not native to an area where agate, crapperite, and shitterite are commonly found.

7. The mineral of greatest value is "Holyshitterite!" It's a priceless gem found only on those occasions when a wife or grandchild presents a rare rock like petrified wood or an actual arrowhead in and area where such finds, and joys, are clearly not expected.

So there you have it. The next time you sort rocks, remember you only need seven baggies!

In The Two Minutes It Takes to Read This...

You Too Will Be Able To Identify Any Rock, Anywhere On The Face Of This Earth!

We are packing up to move from a hellhole of heat, monsoon mosquitos, dangerous critters and returning to the relative safety of California.

I've moved my rock polishing equipment here to an oppressively hot and bug ridden shed but still managed to professionally polish a "boat" load of profitable gems and minerals.

It occurs to me as I sit here at our dining room table sorting out these recently polished rocks and putting them into baggies and sorting them according to the various rock types, THAT ANYONE COULD DO THIS. IT'S SO SIMPLE!

1. First of all there's Leaverite, one the oldest of stones. I mean it goes back to the beginnings of mankind when a young slope-headed cro-magon child asked his father while walking along a beach/mountain/desert, "Hey, father, would this stone make a good arrowhead?"
"Hell no, that's Leaverite!"
"Leaverite?"
"Yes, you dumb cave boy, as in "leaver her right there."

2. As time went on and humans developed a more discerning nature about rocks worthless as weapons or for profit and polishing this type of rock also came to known as "crapperite" and "shitterite".

3. Then mankind further evolved and discovered a rock sometimes referred to as "Politerite" as when a genetically worthwhile close relatives hands you a rock and asks, "Is this a good one?" That's the stone that gets tossed right back into the surf (or dirt) when your wife or grandchild is not looking.

4. A much more valued stone is Butterite. Nothing is much more valuable than this stone, known for its flat and smooth surface, an essential find when you've forgotten to bring toilet paper.

5. Of equal value is Stealerite. It's found in the back lot of rock shops of seedy places like El Paso or Ciudad de Juarez--which are never open and, hence, obvious fronts for the drug trade. Use an old person's mechanical grabbers to steal rocks from the other side of their chain link fences. But be on the alert for individuals with firearms while collecting this particular mineral!

6. Of greater value is Scamerite. This could be a mineral soft as chalk like calcite which polishes to a beautiful sheen in less than 5 minutes--and instantly turns to dust when dropped from any height greater than two inches. Or it could be "coastal moonstone" which is actually a common agate afforded unrealistic value simply because it can be collected in the rich beach area in the vicinity of Cambria, California. You can scam people into paying enormous sums for this rock. Just be sure to market it as such. The FBI has recently shown a great interest in people who sell this as a real moonstone on EBAY, real moonstone being an actual gem and not native to an area where agate, crapperite, and shitterite are more commonly found.

7. The mineral of greatest value is "Holyshitterite!" It's a priceless gem found only on those occasions when a wife or grandchild finds a rock like petrified wood or an actual arrowhead in and area where such finds, and joys, are clearly not expected.

So there you have it. The next time you sort rocks, remember you only need seven baggies!

Too Many Bloody Birthdays!

Blood is illuminating.

And was running down my left hand, over my wedding ring.

It glowed a sparkling red. Pretty sight, really, and I considered Shakespeare, Macbeth's  a blood-drenched crown...

My mind (what is left of it) thankfully whip lashed me back to real stuff. I inside our local rip-off coastal market standing behind shopping cart. In one hand was a wifey grocery while the other one bled profusely.

A week ago, I had scuffed my hands rappelling down a cliff. Nothing heroic. Just grubbing for some worthy moonstones. My incurred injuries led me to suspect my skill set for this particular activity had atrophied (a wordy way to say "I am now too old for this shit").

Now I was paying the price, having rescuffed this hand against one of those dangerously sharp metal conveyances. 
Let's be real here. I was bleeding like a mofo in Cookie Crock.

What to do?

Well, the smart thing would be to cruise down the medical aisle, open some way too expensive band aids, and clamp the bloody leak down.

But this was not to be one of my smarter moments.

So as blood dripped over the handle of my shopping cart, I did what any manly man would do. Utilize the resources at hand like my old hero, MacGyver. I outsourced the blank half of my wife's shopping list, ripping it in half and applying pressure to the wound.

Honestly, I'm not a hemophiliac and don't gobble blood thinners. But growing older (and not too much wiser), I've discovered my skin has taken on the qualities of tissue paper, easily ripped--and eager to bleed.

So there I was, pressing a piece of lined paper against my wound, pretending to contemplate the beer section. Corona or Sam Adams, equally expensive twelve packs. 

And things might have gone well...

But a geezer comes up behind me. Now by "geezer" I mean someone at least 5 years beyond my 64. He eagerly regard the bloody piece of paper plastered against my hand, and gives me a smug smile. As he passes on, I think dark thoughts, "Hey, I may be old asshole, but I can still coagulate!"

So I complete my wife's list (the part not drenched to obscurity by the blood running down my hand) and proceeded to 
check out.

It went well at first.
Then I'm about to "slide de card" when the same old man, who has doggedly followed me to the cashier, announces to the whole damn store:

"EXCUSE ME, DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE BLEEDING?"
Time stands still, blood continues to ooze.

"F-ing, yes," I say to myself, trying to ignore the old bird behind me.

Meanwhile, checker folks to the left and right stop checking. Everyone looks--not at me--but at my hand and the bloody handle of my shopping cart.

"It's nothing," I announce, "must have brushed it against the cart."

The oldest cashier swivels her grey locks toward me and demands an answer, "This happened while you were here, in our store?".

"Maybe, not sure, but it's okay. Hey, can I press the debit button now?"

And it WAS okay for a while more. Then the elderly contemporary cashier says,
"There are sanitary wipes two aisles down by the exit," with a tone that basically said, "Get The Hell Out of here, you AIDS-ridden, BLEEDING OLD MAN!"

"Yes, I know where the wipes are and I will certainly take care of this cart before I leave."
I depart accompanied by the sweetest, cutest, most chirpy high school girl I could ever have imagined in my most prurient past.

"Don't worry about it," she says, "I'll take care of it." I'm so grateful that I want to squeeze her, uh, little cheeks.

And as we approach the wipe down station I tell her, "No, I'll take care of it. I made this mess," and proceed to wipe down the bloody handle, smiling back at her brighter than white teeth. 

"Everybody is so worried about AIDS these days," I tell her, as if this is normal small talk with a Bambi supermarket girl, "No reason you should have do this."

I continue mopping up the mess and vow henceforth to eliminate the morning aspirin that would supposedly keep me from stroking out and becoming more the that feeb I am.

So I allow Miss USA teenager to roll my cart to the back of my car. But before she could escape, it actually got worse. 

The concerned geezer at the check stand had tailed me to the parking lot. Asteen helper was assisting with my groceries, he came up and got into my face.

"What part of the cart caused your bleeding?"
Was this guy a retired accident lawyer?

I recoiled from his prehistoric breath and replied with wit, "What?"
(Well, what I wanted to do right then was swivel him around and inflict two death-dealing blows to his ancient kidneys).

But I answered with my best version of de truth, whatever that is.
"Well you know how it is when you're old, right? Just a small touch on our non-elastic skin and we bleed like a fire hydrant, right?"

"Oh yeah!" he says after a moment and treats me to a view of his bruised, hemorrhaged arm.

Nice, I think, being old just doesn't get any better than this.
 
Eventually, I remember how to open my car door and watch the obviously traumatized teen retreat back to the store.

I really do love my wife and at that moment was very anxious to get back to where we enjoy our mutual ability to ignore the effects of aging. 

And I resolve henceforth to always carry band-aids in my wallet, where I once hopefully carried condoms.

But now "it is what it is".


Not what it was.
Written on my birthday, June 14th, 2018.

White Hat, Grey Hat

I’m sick.

Remember Johnny Carson?

“How sick are you?”

So sick I’m ready to kneel like an addict in an emergency room and beg for drugs, specifically antibiotics…

I staggered out of the bathroom and heard a popping sound from the skylight.

Rain, how cool. So I pulled a chair up to the window, the one providing my best view of a rainy street.

At the far end of the trailer park, a flashlight swept back and forth over dark windows.

Somebody locked out, I thought, maybe a power failure?

The flashlight moved up to another house, surveying another yard. Same routine, very methodical. 

No way someone was casing this safe neighborhood, I thought, let alone committing a robbery! Just the musings of sleep deprivation and a viral imagination.

Thoughts of bed had just about claimed me when a dark denizen emerged. It came from that part of my mind posted “Shitty Memories, don't fish there!”

In my early twenties I successfully talked my way into a very sweet job, room and board, and a salary as a security guard at local retirement home. A bedroom access to a comfortable executive office, keys to kitchen refrigerators and a pool room, the table always unused (as if one of those geezers could actually hold a cue steady enough to strike a ball!). Basically, an incredible place to bring girls and get paid for my inept efforts at seduction.

One night (sleeping alone as was the norm), I heard feet slapping down hard outside my window. In that residential community nobody could fart that fast let alone run with that rapidity.  Barely dressed I went outside and looked up and down the walkway, hoping I would not shock some elderly woman into a cardiac arrest. Nothing. I even ventured to parking lot where I’d once caught people stealing a license plates. Again, nothing.

So I went to bed wondering at the hint of smoke in the air and why anyone in the neighborhood would be using a fireplace so late.

And slept.

For maybe half an hour until I awoke to the sound of sirens. I followed the flashing lights, fully dressed this time. Next to the “campus” (weirdly named because it was a retired teacher’s home) was a Lutheran church, actually MY church at the time.

Stumbling across hoses and debris, I found Pastor Molnerr wandering about the burnt remains of his office. He was actually smiling.

“Don’t worry about it, John. It’s not so bad as it looks.”

Never again…

It was wet in San Simeon so I put my white baseball cap (where did I get that?). I effected the casual gate of a late night walk and went down to where I had seen all the lights. Normal cars in expected locations, no commotion. An inner voice told me to wait.

Smoke was in the air--but probably just drifting from nearby firepits.

I leaned against a fence outside the house where I had seen the lights.

And heard a female scream. Not like a woman pissed or surprised, but the scream of a woman fully in terror, enduring torture, and expecting imminent death. Without thinking (always my weak suit), I ran up the steps and rang the doorbell. No sound, no answer.

Then I rapped on the screen and exercised enough sense to move back and allow for a quick exit.

The door opened.

A perfectly quaffed grey head of hair popped out from behind the screen.

“What is it?”

“Well... I was walking by and thought I heard a scream.”

“Oh shit, I must have the TV on too loud…
And yes, there was a scream...”

She seemed embarrassed and so was I.

“Is it raining now?” It sounded like an accusation.

“Yes,” I stammered. This lady must have been a teacher or mother superior in her previous life.

“And what exactly are you doing here?”

“Just taking a walk—“

“In the rain?” She regarded my white twisting hands for a moment. 

“Damn it!  And I still have to walk these dogs again.”

The door slammed shut.

But I was assured at not having to read a grisly article about the murder of an elderly woman in the morning. A smile erupted on my face and I continued my walk around the park.

I remembered those quirky older people who had shared their lives with me during those two years at the retirement home…

John Ehlen with his lightening fast intelligence at the age of the 91--always up at 6 AM, his sidewalk swept before breakfast. And the ageless Mrs. Fontaine (sister of the famous but very real Joan who often visited us) and, of course, Miss Daugherty who one very late night caught me rifling through the “B” section of the library. Tall, thin and ghostly pale, she leaned over my shoulder and whispered, “Why are you reading Pearl S. Buck?

After jumping out of my skin, I came up with a answer: “Because I want to learn about life.”

“In that case, young man, you are reading the wrong author.”

And when books weren’t sufficiently stimulating, there was always Sister Maria, supervisor of the night infirmary and object of my youthful crush. She dispensed wisdom and drove a sports car.

I continued my walk through the drizzle. The lady I'd disturbed tonight was certainly capable of taking care of herself.

And I realized my age had met, surpassed, and approached those other elderly people I once pretended to protect at the teacher’s retirement home.

My white hat was drenched. But I felt happy.

At least for a moment, I forgot I was sick.

 
 

John Learns a New Household Chore (slightly censored)

"Suck it, suck it down!
You filthy piece of---
What, gonna' gag?  Wait 'til I shove two or three down your
lousy hole!"

(Female voice from another room)
"Hey, hey, hey!"

"What?"

"Watch your language!"

"Just a paper shredder. Think I hurt its feelings?

"No. But you're hurting mine."

"Oh... Sorry."