Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Extreme Manliness

Back to Visalia where a fabulous surprise was lurking around in the mailbox.

But first, gentlemen (sorry, ladies, this is a guys only blog entry), we've all seen all those TV commercials telling you to testosterone supplements, and Nirvana is right around the corner?

Well, I've never taken that stuff. The "Johnster" never lies to you.

And even if that were so in this case, I NEVER inhaled, rubbed it in, whatever it is people actually do with that stuff.

Why not?  Quite frankly, because I no longer need it:
I'm now on the Harbor Freight exclusive mailing list!  And I'm not talking about that one sheeter you find on the back of some sissy Parade magazine.

Yeah, the free flashlight is cool and you can never have enough of those screwdrivers that bend the first time you use them, but that's not what's hot and definitely not what's sitting on my kitchen counter right now.

What I'm talking about here is a full-blown 25 page NEWSPAPER of possibilities.  With color photographs for the more visually oriented gender!  Admittedly, the colors are mostly orange and black with a some off-white thrown in for contrast but the first two, orange and black are the only significant wavelengths in the masculine color wheel. Efficient marketing, too--no need to go overboard communicating to the same sex that is genetically 975% more likely to be color blind.

Speaking of accurate statistics, we all know that men are 250% more likely to be happy if they possess multiple devices designed to fit the larger male hand. Duh. 

This fact is clearly proven because these same objects are equipped with a protruding "on" buttons that, when activated, produce loud and obnoxious sounds not unlike amplified farts.  Is that kewl or what?

All well known facts, especially to readers who've never been hampered by the redundancy of another "X" chromosome.

Time to address specifics, men.
I'm currently turning through those 25 pages and what I have left are experiencing a resurgence.  I lunge for the pen located in a pink cup and take notes on a flower bordered paper towel.  My hands are shaking a little but that's okay.  After all, I'm not going to be do any knitting tonight, right guys?

First on my list is an item both practical and thoughtful--a rolling cart so my wife won't have carry my coffee cup to me in the morning, risking the possibility of a spill.  At first  I considered the $229 "1000 pound capacity hydraulic table cart" but you know women sometimes get a little pissy about simple requests.  So, I'll go instead with the "two shelf polypropylene service wagon", cheaper at $89 and less lethal if brought down on my head during one of hose unpredictable female fits.

For $29.99 I can actually purchase a reciprocal saw.  I already have one, but I just like the word "reciprocal".  It sounds friendly, conveys fairness, and is probably related the word "reciprocates." Now "reciprocates" is a very concept in the realm of guydom.  Anybody can borrow my reciprocating saw IF (permit me to throw in another "IF" for good measure) and again if in the future I can borrow and play around on his towable $2700 dollar "ride-on trencher" (page 19).  Sounds very reciprocal to me, especially since guys seldom return borrowed tools.

Let's move on to the more exotic items, the ones where you might have to do cash back several times around town to make sure that wifey can't track this purchase down on the old credit card. 


The item dujour (or is it "dunight"? It's well after 10 pm as I write this and I've never understood that prissy French stuff)--anyway, the item is:

   A 6.5 Horsepower (always loved that word), and have now fallen in love with the next ne: POUNDER.     

Whoah!  Indulge if I have to write this on more time: 
A 6.5 Horsepower Pounder!

Okay,  I'm over that moment of enthusiasm but I want you to know that the item in question is an orange and black and roughly the size of a  lawn mover.  I'll be visiting a lot of markets tomorrow, my cash back psychic powers tell me, and before sunset I WILL BE POUNDING. I mean if you're truly a guy and still reading this, your mind is whirling.  There's so many that we, the fraternity of guys, need to pound!  Again, if your a guy you need no more explanations and have already decided several specific items (people?) where a pounding would benefit the entire human race.

IAnd  just can't wait until some beflumoxed neighbor rings the doorbell with that guilty I-got-caught-with-my-tools-down-look.
     "Say John, I don't suppose you'd happen to have a   
      After a pause signifying both shock and pity, I say:
     "Does The Pope wear dresses?  Hell yes, I have a    
      pounder!!!  Several in fact... an orange one and a black    
      one--which one do you need?

Actually this tool goes by a slightly different name but if you'll allow me some poetic lie-sense here, I will further cop to having few clues as to what this device actually does.  Zero clues, to be exact.

But sure as Shitola is our nation's capital, the thing is orange and black, so when I wheel out of my shed, he will never know I have only one of them.  Mrs. Richardson never any stupid sons.
"Either color would be fine, John," my neighbor says sheepishly.  I open my shed and afford him a brief glimpse of walls gloriously festooned with tools, all of them mysterious and of an even more exotic.

For instance, getting back to my 25 pages of male smut, consider this.  What is a "dual head pivotal work light"? Not sure myself, even after looking at the picture, but it sure sounds sexy.  And how can I live without this wide broomlike apparatus known as a "magnetic sweeper"? 

I've never used or needed a splitter but what a screw up if you suddenly have to split logs? Then there's s the 500 watt hot blower (I have one of those and  actually use it dry rocks quickly--so shut-up your dirty mind!).  But what if it went out?  I really should have another.  It just wouldn't do to have those rocks getting all cold and jittery.

I confess that I still don't have a "stud finder".  It's an old joke, I know, but they've gotten more high tech lately, lasers and such.  Never thought I'd need one, though.  Seriously, wouldn't a mirror get the job done? 

And don't even get me started on oversized impact drills.

So it's time to put down this not so glossy but oh so masculine Harbor Freight advertisement. Definitely not good for my blood pressure.

Hope my wife gets home soon.
Tools... Oh yeah.

Maybe we could make a baby.