You Too Will Be Able To Identify Any Rock, Anywhere On The Face Of This Earth!
We are packing up to move from a hellhole of heat, monsoon mosquitos, dangerous critters and returning to the relative safety of California.
I've moved my rock polishing equipment here to an oppressively hot and bug ridden shed but still managed to professionally polish a "boat" load of profitable gems and minerals.
It occurs to me as I sit here at our dining room table sorting out these recently polished rocks and putting them into baggies and sorting them according to the various rock types, THAT ANYONE COULD DO THIS. IT'S SO SIMPLE!
1. First of all there's Leaverite, one the oldest of stones. I mean it goes back to the beginnings of mankind when a young slope-headed cro-magon child asked his father while walking along a beach/mountain/desert, "Hey, father, would this stone make a good arrowhead?"
"Hell no, that's Leaverite!"
"Leaverite?"
"Yes, you dumb cave boy, as in "leave her right there"!
2. As time went on and humans developed a more discerning nature about rocks worthless as weapons or for profit and polishing this type of rock also came to known as "crapperite" and "shitterite".
3. Then mankind further evolved and discovered a rock sometimes referred to as "Politerite" as when a genetically worthwhile close relatives hands you a rock and asks, "Is this a good one?" That's the stone that gets tossed right back into the surf (or dirt) when your wife or grandchild is not looking.
4. Another valued stone is Butterite. Nothing is more useful than this stone, known for its flat and smooth surface, an essential find when you've forgotten to bring toilet paper.
5. Of equal value is Stealerite. It's found in the back lot of rock shops in seedy places like El Paso or Ciudad de Juarez--which are never open and, hence, obvious fronts for the drug trade. Use an old person's mechanical grabber to steal rocks from the other side of chain link fences. But be on the alert for individuals with firearms when collecting this particular mineral!
6. Of greater value is Scamerite. This could be a mineral soft as chalk like calcite which polishes to a beautiful sheen in less than 5 minutes--and instantly explodes into dust when dropped from any height greater than two inches. Or it could be another mineral "coastal moonstone" which is actually a common agate afforded unrealistic value simply because it can be collected at a rich beach area in the vicinity of Cambria, California. You can scam people into paying enormous sums for this rock. Just be sure to market it as such. The FBI has recently shown an interest in people who sell this mineral as a real moonstone on EBAY, real moonstone being an actual gem and not native to an area where agate, crapperite, and shitterite are commonly found.
7. The mineral of greatest value is "Holyshitterite!" It's a priceless gem found only on those occasions when a wife or grandchild presents a rare rock like petrified wood or an actual arrowhead in an area where such finds, and joys, are clearly not expected.
So there you have it. The next time you sort rocks, remember you only need seven baggies!
(Unless you're traveling in a jeep with a guy named Bob. Then there's Bailerite, where a passenger jumps out onto a dirt road, promising to be back in two minutes. The jeep idles, grows hot, and twenty minutes later this guy, named John, returns with an angelic smile and several pounds of apparently useless rocks)
In that case, you need gunny sacks, not baggies and way more than seven.
You Too Will Be Able To Identify Any Rock, Anywhere On The Face Of This Earth!
We are packing up to move from a hellhole of heat, monsoon mosquitos, dangerous critters and returning to the relative safety of California.
I've moved my rock polishing equipment here to an oppressively hot and bug ridden shed but still managed to professionally polish a "boat" load of profitable gems and minerals.
It occurs to me as I sit here at our dining room table sorting out these recently polished rocks and putting them into baggies and sorting them according to the various rock types, THAT ANYONE COULD DO THIS. IT'S SO SIMPLE!
1. First of all there's Leaverite, one the oldest of stones. I mean it goes back to the beginnings of mankind when a young slope-headed cro-magon child asked his father while walking along a beach/mountain/desert, "Hey, father, would this stone make a good arrowhead?"
"Hell no, that's Leaverite!"
"Leaverite?"
"Yes, you dumb cave boy, as in "leave her right there"!
2. As time went on and humans developed a more discerning nature about rocks worthless as weapons or for profit and polishing this type of rock also came to known as "crapperite" and "shitterite".
3. Then mankind further evolved and discovered a rock sometimes referred to as "Politerite" as when a genetically worthwhile close relatives hands you a rock and asks, "Is this a good one?" That's the stone that gets tossed right back into the surf (or dirt) when your wife or grandchild is not looking.
4. Another valued stone is Butterite. Nothing is more useful than this stone, known for its flat and smooth surface, an essential find when you've forgotten to bring toilet paper.
5. Of equal value is Stealerite. It's found in the back lot of rock shops in seedy places like El Paso or Ciudad de Juarez--which are never open and, hence, obvious fronts for the drug trade. Use an old person's mechanical grabber to steal rocks from the other side of chain link fences. But be on the alert for individuals with firearms when collecting this particular mineral!
6. Of greater value is Scamerite. This could be a mineral soft as chalk like calcite which polishes to a beautiful sheen in less than 5 minutes--and instantly explodes into dust when dropped from any height greater than two inches. Or it could be another mineral "coastal moonstone" which is actually a common agate afforded unrealistic value simply because it can be collected at a rich beach area in the vicinity of Cambria, California. You can scam people into paying enormous sums for this rock. Just be sure to market it as such. The FBI has recently shown an interest in people who sell this mineral as a real moonstone on EBAY, real moonstone being an actual gem and not native to an area where agate, crapperite, and shitterite are commonly found.
7. The mineral of greatest value is "Holyshitterite!" It's a priceless gem found only on those occasions when a wife or grandchild presents a rare rock like petrified wood or an actual arrowhead in and area where such finds, and joys, are clearly not expected.
So there you have it. The next time you sort rocks, remember you only need seven baggies!
You Too Will Be Able To Identify Any Rock, Anywhere On The Face Of This Earth!
We are packing up to move from a hellhole of heat, monsoon mosquitos, dangerous critters and returning to the relative safety of California.
I've moved my rock polishing equipment here to an oppressively hot and bug ridden shed but still managed to professionally polish a "boat" load of profitable gems and minerals.
It occurs to me as I sit here at our dining room table sorting out these recently polished rocks and putting them into baggies and sorting them according to the various rock types, THAT ANYONE COULD DO THIS. IT'S SO SIMPLE!
1. First of all there's Leaverite, one the oldest of stones. I mean it goes back to the beginnings of mankind when a young slope-headed cro-magon child asked his father while walking along a beach/mountain/desert, "Hey, father, would this stone make a good arrowhead?"
"Hell no, that's Leaverite!"
"Leaverite?"
"Yes, you dumb cave boy, as in "leave her right there"!
2. As time went on and humans developed a more discerning nature about rocks worthless as weapons or for profit and polishing this type of rock also came to known as "crapperite" and "shitterite".
3. Then mankind further evolved and discovered a rock sometimes referred to as "Politerite" as when a genetically worthwhile close relatives hands you a rock and asks, "Is this a good one?" That's the stone that gets tossed right back into the surf (or dirt) when your wife or grandchild is not looking.
4. Another valued stone is Butterite. Nothing is more useful than this stone, known for its flat and smooth surface, an essential find when you've forgotten to bring toilet paper.
5. Of equal value is Stealerite. It's found in the back lot of rock shops in seedy places like El Paso or Ciudad de Juarez--which are never open and, hence, obvious fronts for the drug trade. Use an old person's mechanical grabber to steal rocks from the other side of chain link fences. But be on the alert for individuals with firearms when collecting this particular mineral!
6. Of greater value is Scamerite. This could be a mineral soft as chalk like calcite which polishes to a beautiful sheen in less than 5 minutes--and instantly explodes into dust when dropped from any height greater than two inches. Or it could be another mineral "coastal moonstone" which is actually a common agate afforded unrealistic value simply because it can be collected at a rich beach area in the vicinity of Cambria, California. You can scam people into paying enormous sums for this rock. Just be sure to market it as such. The FBI has recently shown an interest in people who sell this as a real moonstone on EBAY, real moonstone being an actual gem and not native to an area where agate, crapperite, and shitterite are commonly found.
7. The mineral of greatest value is "Holyshitterite!" It's a priceless gem found only on those occasions when a wife or grandchild presents a rare rock like petrified wood or an actual arrowhead in and area where such finds, and joys, are clearly not expected.
So there you have it. The next time you sort rocks, remember you only need seven baggies!
You Too Will Be Able To Identify Any Rock, Anywhere On The Face Of This Earth!
We are packing up to move from a hellhole of heat, monsoon mosquitos, dangerous critters and returning to the relative safety of California.
I've moved my rock polishing equipment here to an oppressively hot and bug ridden shed but still managed to professionally polish a "boat" load of profitable gems and minerals.
It occurs to me as I sit here at our dining room table sorting out these recently polished rocks and putting them into baggies and sorting them according to the various rock types, THAT ANYONE COULD DO THIS. IT'S SO SIMPLE!
1. First of all there's Leaverite, one the oldest of stones. I mean it goes back to the beginnings of mankind when a young slope-headed cro-magon child asked his father while walking along a beach/mountain/desert, "Hey, father, would this stone make a good arrowhead?"
"Hell no, that's Leaverite!"
"Leaverite?"
"Yes, you dumb cave boy, as in "leave her right there"!
2. As time went on and humans developed a more discerning nature about rocks worthless as weapons or for profit and polishing this type of rock also came to known as "crapperite" and "shitterite".
3. Then mankind further evolved and discovered a rock sometimes referred to as "Politerite" as when a genetically worthwhile close relatives hands you a rock and asks, "Is this a good one?" That's the stone that gets tossed right back into the surf (or dirt) when your wife or grandchild is not looking.
4. Another valued stone is Butterite. Nothing is more useful than this stone, known for its flat and smooth surface, an essential find when you've forgotten to bring toilet paper.
5. Of equal value is Stealerite. It's found in the back lot of rock shops in seedy places like El Paso or Ciudad de Juarez--which are never open and, hence, obvious fronts for the drug trade. Use an old person's mechanical grabber to steal rocks from the other side of chain link fences. But be on the alert for individuals with firearms when collecting this particular mineral!
6. Of greater value is Scamerite. This could be a mineral soft as chalk like calcite which polishes to a beautiful sheen in less than 5 minutes--and instantly explodes into dust when dropped from any height greater than two inches. Or it could be another mineral "coastal moonstone" which is actually a common agate afforded unrealistic value simply because it can be collected in a rich beach area in the vicinity of Cambria, California. You can scam people into paying enormous sums for this rock. Just be sure to market it as such. The FBI has recently shown an interest in people who sell this as a real moonstone on EBAY, real moonstone being an actual gem and not native to an area where agate, crapperite, and shitterite are commonly found.
7. The mineral of greatest value is "Holyshitterite!" It's a priceless gem found only on those occasions when a wife or grandchild presents a rare rock like petrified wood or an actual arrowhead in and area where such finds, and joys, are clearly not expected.
So there you have it. The next time you sort rocks, remember you only need seven baggies!
You Too Will Be Able To Identify Any Rock, Anywhere On The Face Of This Earth!
We are packing up to move from a hellhole of heat, monsoon mosquitos, dangerous critters and returning to the relative safety of California.
I've moved my rock polishing equipment here to an oppressively hot and bug ridden shed but still managed to professionally polish a "boat" load of profitable gems and minerals.
It occurs to me as I sit here at our dining room table sorting out these recently polished rocks and putting them into baggies and sorting them according to the various rock types, THAT ANYONE COULD DO THIS. IT'S SO SIMPLE!
1. First of all there's Leaverite, one the oldest of stones. I mean it goes back to the beginnings of mankind when a young slope-headed cro-magon child asked his father while walking along a beach/mountain/desert, "Hey, father, would this stone make a good arrowhead?"
"Hell no, that's Leaverite!"
"Leaverite?"
"Yes, you dumb cave boy, as in "leave her right there"!
2. As time went on and humans developed a more discerning nature about rocks worthless as weapons or for profit and polishing this type of rock also came to known as "crapperite" and "shitterite".
3. Then mankind further evolved and discovered a rock sometimes referred to as "Politerite" as when a genetically worthwhile close relatives hands you a rock and asks, "Is this a good one?" That's the stone that gets tossed right back into the surf (or dirt) when your wife or grandchild is not looking.
4. Another valued stone is Butterite. Nothing is more useful than this stone, known for its flat and smooth surface, an essential find when you've forgotten to bring toilet paper.
5. Of equal value is Stealerite. It's found in the back lot of rock shops in seedy places like El Paso or Ciudad de Juarez--which are never open and, hence, obvious fronts for the drug trade. Use an old person's mechanical grabber to steal rocks from the other side of chain link fences. But be on the alert for individuals with firearms when collecting this particular mineral!
6. Of greater value is Scamerite. This could be a mineral soft as chalk like calcite which polishes to a beautiful sheen in less than 5 minutes--and instantly explodes into dust when dropped from any height greater than two inches. Or it could be another mineral "coastal moonstone" which is actually a common agate afforded unrealistic value simply because it can be collected in a rich beach area in the vicinity of Cambria, California. You can scam people into paying enormous sums for this rock. Just be sure to market it as such. The FBI has recently shown an interest in people who sell this as a real moonstone on EBAY, real moonstone being an actual gem and not native to an area where agate, crapperite, and shitterite are commonly found.
7. The mineral of greatest value is "Holyshitterite!" It's a priceless gem found only on those occasions when a wife or grandchild presents a rare rock like petrified wood or an actual arrowhead in and area where such finds, and joys, are clearly not expected.
So there you have it. The next time you sort rocks, remember you only need seven baggies!
You Too Will Be Able To Identify Any Rock, Anywhere On The Face Of This Earth!
We are packing up to move from a hellhole of heat, monsoon mosquitos, dangerous critters and returning to the relative safety of California.
I've moved my rock polishing equipment here to an oppressively hot and bug ridden shed but still managed to professionally polish a "boat" load of profitable gems and minerals.
It occurs to me as I sit here at our dining room table sorting out these recently polished rocks and putting them into baggies and sorting them according to the various rock types, THAT ANYONE COULD DO THIS. IT'S SO SIMPLE!
1. First of all there's Leaverite, one the oldest of stones. I mean it goes back to the beginnings of mankind when a young slope-headed cro-magon child asked his father while walking along a beach/mountain/desert, "Hey, father, would this stone make a good arrowhead?"
"Hell no, that's Leaverite!"
"Leaverite?"
"Yes, you dumb cave boy, as in "leaver her right there."
2. As time went on and humans developed a more discerning nature about rocks worthless as weapons or for profit and polishing this type of rock also came to known as "crapperite" and "shitterite".
3. Then mankind further evolved and discovered a rock sometimes referred to as "Politerite" as when a genetically worthwhile close relatives hands you a rock and asks, "Is this a good one?" That's the stone that gets tossed right back into the surf (or dirt) when your wife or grandchild is not looking.
4. A much more valued stone is Butterite. Nothing is much more valuable than this stone, known for its flat and smooth surface, an essential find when you've forgotten to bring toilet paper.
5. Of equal value is Stealerite. It's found in the back lot of rock shops of seedy places like El Paso or Ciudad de Juarez--which are never open and, hence, obvious fronts for the drug trade. Use an old person's mechanical grabbers to steal rocks from the other side of their chain link fences. But be on the alert for individuals with firearms while collecting this particular mineral!
6. Of greater value is Scamerite. This could be a mineral soft as chalk like calcite which polishes to a beautiful sheen in less than 5 minutes--and instantly turns to dust when dropped from any height greater than two inches. Or it could be "coastal moonstone" which is actually a common agate afforded unrealistic value simply because it can be collected in the rich beach area in the vicinity of Cambria, California. You can scam people into paying enormous sums for this rock. Just be sure to market it as such. The FBI has recently shown a great interest in people who sell this as a real moonstone on EBAY, real moonstone being an actual gem and not native to an area where agate, crapperite, and shitterite are more commonly found.
7. The mineral of greatest value is "Holyshitterite!" It's a priceless gem found only on those occasions when a wife or grandchild finds a rock like petrified wood or an actual arrowhead in and area where such finds, and joys, are clearly not expected.
So there you have it. The next time you sort rocks, remember you only need seven baggies!
Blood is illuminating.
And was running down my left hand, over my wedding ring.
It glowed a sparkling red. Pretty sight, really, and I considered Shakespeare, Macbeth's a blood-drenched crown...
My mind (what is left of it) thankfully whip lashed me back to real stuff. I inside our local rip-off coastal market standing behind shopping cart. In one hand was a wifey grocery while the other one bled profusely.
A week ago, I had scuffed my hands rappelling down a cliff. Nothing heroic. Just grubbing for some worthy moonstones. My incurred injuries led me to suspect my skill set for this particular activity had atrophied (a wordy way to say "I am now too old for this shit").
Now I was paying the price, having rescuffed this hand against one of those dangerously sharp metal conveyances.
Let's be real here. I was bleeding like a mofo in Cookie Crock.
What to do?
Well, the smart thing would be to cruise down the medical aisle, open some way too expensive band aids, and clamp the bloody leak down.
But this was not to be one of my smarter moments.
So as blood dripped over the handle of my shopping cart, I did what any manly man would do. Utilize the resources at hand like my old hero, MacGyver. I outsourced the blank half of my wife's shopping list, ripping it in half and applying pressure to the wound.
Honestly, I'm not a hemophiliac and don't gobble blood thinners. But growing older (and not too much wiser), I've discovered my skin has taken on the qualities of tissue paper, easily ripped--and eager to bleed.
So there I was, pressing a piece of lined paper against my wound, pretending to contemplate the beer section. Corona or Sam Adams, equally expensive twelve packs.
And things might have gone well...
But a geezer comes up behind me. Now by "geezer" I mean someone at least 5 years beyond my 64. He eagerly regard the bloody piece of paper plastered against my hand, and gives me a smug smile. As he passes on, I think dark thoughts, "Hey, I may be old asshole, but I can still coagulate!"
So I complete my wife's list (the part not drenched to obscurity by the blood running down my hand) and proceeded to
check out.
It went well at first.
Then I'm about to "slide de card" when the same old man, who has doggedly followed me to the cashier, announces to the whole damn store:
"EXCUSE ME, DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE BLEEDING?"
Time stands still, blood continues to ooze.
"F-ing, yes," I say to myself, trying to ignore the old bird behind me.
Meanwhile, checker folks to the left and right stop checking. Everyone looks--not at me--but at my hand and the bloody handle of my shopping cart.
"It's nothing," I announce, "must have brushed it against the cart."
The oldest cashier swivels her grey locks toward me and demands an answer, "This happened while you were here, in our store?".
"Maybe, not sure, but it's okay. Hey, can I press the debit button now?"
And it WAS okay for a while more. Then the elderly contemporary cashier says,
"There are sanitary wipes two aisles down by the exit," with a tone that basically said, "Get The Hell Out of here, you AIDS-ridden, BLEEDING OLD MAN!"
"Yes, I know where the wipes are and I will certainly take care of this cart before I leave."
I depart accompanied by the sweetest, cutest, most chirpy high school girl I could ever have imagined in my most prurient past.
"Don't worry about it," she says, "I'll take care of it." I'm so grateful that I want to squeeze her, uh, little cheeks.
And as we approach the wipe down station I tell her, "No, I'll take care of it. I made this mess," and proceed to wipe down the bloody handle, smiling back at her brighter than white teeth.
"Everybody is so worried about AIDS these days," I tell her, as if this is normal small talk with a Bambi supermarket girl, "No reason you should have do this."
I continue mopping up the mess and vow henceforth to eliminate the morning aspirin that would supposedly keep me from stroking out and becoming more the that feeb I am.
So I allow Miss USA teenager to roll my cart to the back of my car. But before she could escape, it actually got worse.
The concerned geezer at the check stand had tailed me to the parking lot. Asteen helper was assisting with my groceries, he came up and got into my face.
"What part of the cart caused your bleeding?"
Was this guy a retired accident lawyer?
I recoiled from his prehistoric breath and replied with wit, "What?"
(Well, what I wanted to do right then was swivel him around and inflict two death-dealing blows to his ancient kidneys).
But I answered with my best version of de truth, whatever that is.
"Well you know how it is when you're old, right? Just a small touch on our non-elastic skin and we bleed like a fire hydrant, right?"
"Oh yeah!" he says after a moment and treats me to a view of his bruised, hemorrhaged arm.
Nice, I think, being old just doesn't get any better than this.
Eventually, I remember how to open my car door and watch the obviously traumatized teen retreat back to the store.
I really do love my wife and at that moment was very anxious to get back to where we enjoy our mutual ability to ignore the effects of aging.
And I resolve henceforth to always carry band-aids in my wallet, where I once hopefully carried condoms.
But now "it is what it is".
Not what it was.
Written on my birthday, June 14th, 2018.
