So you're hankering for some fresh greens, a salad let's say.
But let us also say it's the Second Coming of Covid, much worse than before, or some other such catastrophe. Supermarkets are decimated, produce is rotten and civilization has circled down the bowl with a quick flush.
What are you going to do?
Do you want to starve yourself to an ugly death, all the while surrounded by nature's bounty?
No need to, my lucky friend, because YOU LIVE IN SAN SIMEON, CALIFORNIA!
Within 200 yards of wherever you happen to be standing in this delightful burg, is everything needed to throw together that tasty bowl of greens you've been craving.
So let's fix you up with some greens!
San Simeon Salad
WILD TURNIP PLANTS
In San Simeon, wild turnup plants are ubiquitous (like, everywhere) and are the go to plant for post apocalyptic produce.
Wild turnups are noted for their pink to white flowers with only four petals attached to their center. Most parts are edible--especially the leaves and pod-like fruit resembling supermarket pea pods.
The leaves and pod fruit are low in calories and high in fiber as well as vitamin C, potassium, and manganese.
Turnip health benefits include improved immunity, increased regularity, weight loss and better heart health. They may also contain cancer fighting compounds that can help protect against several types of cancer.
But don't try to eat the root; you'd need the teeth of beaver to chow down on that puppy.
We will begin with the lettuce-like leaves. Gather about two cups of turnup greens--from areas not likely to be frequented by dogs. There's nothing nutritious about dog piss.
RINSE THOROUGHLY just in case, and then pat dry.
Likewise, wash the fruit pods (after trimming off the fibrous tips shown below) which will add a satisfying crouton crunch to your salad. Look for pods that are young and tender, deep green and nearly mature.
Perform the same process as with the leaves, selecting the younger ones to avoid any bitterness that might spoil the excellent nut and peppery taste.
But remember these ingredients MUST be gathered from the wild turnip, the only four petaled flower to be found in San Simeon!
I think.
Eating these cup shaped flowers above could go badly for you. All parts of the morning glory, especially the seeds, are suffused with a chemical derivative of LSD. Side effects could include dissociation, paranoid ideation and terrifying hallucinations. Seek medical help immediately.
But even with the right stuff in hand, picky eaters might find the furry underbelly of the turnip leaf objectionable with its nettle-like roughness. You might consider quick-boiling the leaves beforehand, maybe even flash roasting them over a fire.
But if turnips with all their nutritional goodness still can't satisfy your salad cravings, consider a different leafy green--and my favorite . . .
THE NASTURTIUM
. . . which has, unlike the wild turnip, leaves that are smoother on both sides, larger and more tender. They are round in shape with spokes radiating out from a central point:
The flower has five petals which are clawed, with the lower three unlike the upper two.
photo above) make excellent capers and add texture to your salad.
Nasturtiums are kick-ass nutrition, containing many vitamins and minerals including:
Vitamin C: a high level of vitamin C is found in the leaves and petals of nasturtiums.
Vitamins A, B, and B6 are found in the leaves.
Potassium, phosphorus, calcium, and magnesium: found in the flowers and other parts of the nasturtium plant.
Manganese, copper, iron, flavonoids, beta carotene--also found in the flowers and other parts of the plant.
And there's this: nasturtiums are rich in antioxidants, such as anthocyanins and polyphenols. The leaves also contain an enzyme called myrosinase, which has bactericidal, fungicidal, and virucidal qualities.
Not to mention that nasturtiums are SUSTAINABLE (do not deplete natural resources) and classified as NATURALIZED. No they can't pass a citizenship test, but they are prolific and able to take care of themselves in the wild. All the above nasturtium photos were taken in the vicinity of my backyard fence, where lush scarlet volunteers flourish without my intervention or care.
If you care to fact check me, turn off Highway 1 heading toward Shamel Park. Look left and right and you'll see veritable jungles of naturalized nasturtiums.
Yeah, they may be a little invasive but can you ever get enough nutrition after Armageddon has spoiled all your dinner plans?
But let's get back to our San Simeon Salad. Most people like to zest up their greens with dressing.
I've got two ideas for this. . .
FENNEL
Do you like licorice?
I do.
I would even put licorice flavored dressing on my post apocalyptic salad!
Fennel is one of three plants used over the years to extract licorice flavoring.
You've seen fennel along the highway, right? During the fall, the green tops turn yellow and bitter.
Seek out instead the lower, greener clusters (see lower right of photo above) for their tenderness and sweet taste.
And the young fernlike sprouts (below) make for a great garnish. Or they could be eaten a la carte, enjoyed solely for the rich spicy flavor typical of the mustard family.
And it makes an excellent off-label dressing.
Do you know what a mortar and pestle is?
Neither do I.
But you can place a cup of washed green flower tops in a ceramic bowl. Then begin mashing them with a blunt object--but not a hammer!
Add several tablespoons of water and continue crushing until well pulverized. Strain off what's left and use the liquid remains as a dressing.
Should you have any extra green tops, put them in your mouth and eat them. They're like candy, very sweet and refreshing!
Now another cautionary note. Fennel is not the only umbrellate in the San Simeon area.
That my friend is HEMLOCK, the poison given to Socrates by his reactionary students. That did not go well for the famous Greek philosopher as you may recall.
Hemlock is also prolific in San Simeon, growing in and around Fennel. So let's examine Hemlock more closely:
Same height, stems, and umbrella like flower clusters.
But can you see the one difference?
...
....
.....
(wait time)
THAT'S RIGHT!
They're white
Not yellow, not green, but white.
WHITE! WHITE! WHITE!
You see, I once tried to explain this critical difference to a hiking friend of mine. Further down the trail, I watched in horror as he put something white into his mouth.
I suggested that my friend spit out the Hemlock and to get back to me about any unusual developments or side effects (like death).
Well now, does licorice dressing sound too weird and dangerous for you?
How about MINT dressing?
YERBA BUENA
. . . is found in shaded, wet areas near our local creeks and springs:
Gather some of these minty leaves and subject them to the same crushing treatment as fennel.
Easily identified by the pungent odor emitted when rubbing a leaf between two fingers, Yerba Buena is, in my opinion, worth risking an exposure to poison oak.
You can also dry the leaves and make some tasty tea. Yerba Buena was once a favorite of the Mission Fathers who once inhabited this area.
As an added bonus (or curse if you abhor stimulants), Yerba Buena has half the caffeine of coffee. Not exactly Starbucks but a heck of lot cheaper.
As Porky the Pig would say, That's All folks!
And speaking of pork--or any other dead animal meat, future posts may explore such delicacies as . . .
Broiled Bugs
Buffalo Lizard Wings
Baked Bunny
Sardines Ceviche
Squirl Kabobs
Bastid Bambi
Vienna Vulture Sausages
Barbecued Zebra Butt
If you you have any recipes that might increase the likelihood of mankind's survival, feel free to submit them.
Remember. . .
Prepare for the APOCALYPSE NOW.
And now a few last words of caution:
The recipes in this blog are suggestions only and do not necessarily represent the opinions of the AMA or any other reputable medical or botanical organization. Nor have they been tested by either the Food and Drug Administration or SSSWAD (San Simeon Sewer and Water District).
Consult your doctor before starting this diet.
Side effects may include bloating, bad breath, simultaneous constipation and diarrhea, Richter Scale gas emissions, and funerals.
Eat at your own risk.
And for God's sake, don't be a KAREN and come whining to me if you die or get a bellyache!
---@JRRLITLOVER, LLB
(a limited liability blogger)
P.S.
As I write this in the fall of 2024, dozens of NAKED LADIES have bloomed in the field beyond my fence.
They're beautiful but deadly.
Don't eat naked ladies.
